Saturday, October 12, 2013

Who. Are. You...?

Hey InternetLand.

I felt like posting a bit of melancholy here. I may or may not actually post this one.... But if you are reading this, then I guess I went ahead and put it out there.

So the last month has been full of ups and downs. I lost a job. I got back into theatre. I made awesome new friends. I felt the weight of my world crush down on me. In all of it, I don't know if I've lost sight of who I am or who I want to be... but... (there always is one!) But.... In some way I feel like I have.

I am no stranger to starting over. To learning to find my place in a new world when one chapter in my life is over. I've done it so many times that it almost feels that my methods are rote. But this time, it's different. I have a grounding wire that keeps me firmly attached to my current world. There is no place to run. (Not that I would!) The world that is to be an "adult" smacks pretty hard.

There's a ton of stuff that's happening in America socially. I never really paid it much heed. Honestly, I still don't. But, folks, it's scary out there! You probably don't need me to tell you that either.... When I chose to become a husband and a father, there were... no, are certain responsibilities that go along with that decision. We no longer live in a society where the "man of the house" has to be the sole bread winner. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Families were designed to be a unit that works together. Everyone has their role. Unfortunately, the same society that has broken down the "man of the house" rule, has also mixed who plays what role. Again, I am not here to say only men can earn wages for their families, or that women's only place is barefoot in the kitchen. What does need to be said is that since the roles are mixed, everyone in the family needs to understand their role.

For me, there are some clear-cut definitions. My children are not old enough to support or fend for themselves. That's my job. Someone needs to earn a wage enough to cover our monthly bills. I would be lying if I said I didn't mind that that responsibility fell on me completely... but the truth of it is: it does.

Please don't mistake my comments as a whiny complaint. I chose this. Nothing, not anything, can prepare one for that decision. Life, then, happens. All you can do is hope and pray that you have as solid as a partner in this journey as you have agreed to support. That's not to say Mrs. DrthGeek is not a solid partner. In so many ways, she is so much stronger than I can see myself.

So, then, what the hell am I going on about? It's about knowing one's self. Knowing what it is you want, where you want to go. Not just dreams... but what it would take to accomplish your goals. Are you willing to sacrifice something you consider so dear in order to accomplish that goal? To go that next step?

Some people are, from my perspective, incredibly lucky in that they know what it is they want almost from the get go. And they go out and achieve it. Others, most people I would argue, have dreams, but not the faintest clue as to how to achieve them. Or if they do know, somewhat, how they can get to where they want to be, they might not want to pay the cost.

I believe we are social animals for a reason. We need each other. For various reasons. Love. Friendship. Camaraderie. Mentors. Helpers. Inspiration. A shoulder to cry on. The sad part of life is that each of those categories will change throughout one's life. I am not unique in the fact that due to my upbringing I have gone through those cycles quite often. I didn't mention that to earn pity points. What I have learned about myself is that I have an incredibly hard time wholly giving myself over to anything, or anyone... except theatre.

That is such an incredibly bitter-sweet thing to say. How can I say that the only thing I can wholly give myself over to is acting? I guess a better statement is: I have not yet found someone, or something that I can wholly give myself over to. It's bitter-sweet because as part of the human condition, we all want that one thing, that soul-mate, that... je ne sais pas. But I also feel that it's ok to have something in reserve. That something only you know, even if you just learned it.

Guess what? It's terrifying completely letting someone in to your life. Sometimes, though, you just might learn something about yourself in the process. There are so many memes out there that call a person to be brave and be themselves. It is so incredibly easy being open to someone you don't know because you can control that exposure. What if... we just went for it? What if you told someone you don't know very well that you love them? Maybe not the romantic, Valentine's Day love, but the fact that they are alive and you got to meet them. How would that change you? How would that change them? What if you actually meant it?

Go to any self-help guru and you'll hear some kind of advice regarding how everything happens for a reason. I think that phrase was borne out of the need for religion, of some type of spirituality, some type of higher calling that drives us to make us better ourselves. We have a difficult time accepting that something can just... be. With no explanation. No rhyme or reason. Kind of like how, deep down, to some degree we all want to believe in fairy tales. Good always wins. The hero gets the girl. The bad guy dies at the end. But life's not like that. Every moment of every day, we are presented with choices. What we do with those decisions defines us, whether or not we want them to.

But the hopeful thing is: we have total control over that. How you decide to approach those moments is totally up to you. No one else. Just you. That means you get to write your own story.

Just, whatever you do...

Make it a good one.

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